You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
