it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
