So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I cut my penus on the lid.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
