Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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