I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
