Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
