He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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