I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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