hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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