i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
