My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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