How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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