A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize