So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
