You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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