apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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