i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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