I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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