Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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