we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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