Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
