i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Mom said you looked used
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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