Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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