awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
