i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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