i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
