I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
