i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
