I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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