i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
