I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
