he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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