I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
