Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i think my mom watched the whole time
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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