I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
