God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
