Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
