nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
