Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
