right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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