O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
