new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
