i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Four minutes until I can fart!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
