Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
