i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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