My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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