I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize