Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
