o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
