Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
