you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
