I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
