So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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