I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
