I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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