I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
