you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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