I accidentally burped into my bong.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
