I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
