Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
